I don't know how exactly to describe how I'm doing right now, so don't ask.. Not that I expect you to.. Not many people do. Umm anyways... I don't know exactly how I feel. Pain? Not quite. Happiness? Not even close. Misery? Not quite, I would know. Confused? Maybe. I have been in the darkness for so long, I'm not sure what you would call this. Being in the darkness, I had come to only feel one thing. Pain. Whether it was inflicted independently or by others, pain was the only thing my brain was accustomed to.
In that darkness I had a glow, that glow kept me holding on. That glow pulled me out of the darkness, but being in there so long made that light unrecognizable to me. The smiling didn't feel right. The happiness was surreal to me. After being back for a while I am used to the grins.. but sometimes I don't understand if it is right to smile. It's like I've started all over. Like I am a child learning right from wrong again, I have to second guess whether I should be happy or not about something. I've gotten help but sometimes, "help" isn't what I need, I need a glow to make sure I don't slip back. I have one glow that hasn't left me, from the begging she's been there, but I didn't even realize she was there at first. I never once thought she'd be one of my best friends.. but she is, I don't know how I would make it without her. She's my light, my shoulder to cry on, she's.. my literacy teacher.
It hits me every time, the tears, when I realize this is my last year with her because.. I wont have that glow anymore. That bright light that keeps me moving forward in time. Yes, there are other people but they aren't MY light. Do they put off any light? Of course. But again, they aren't MY GLOW. I will slip back into the darkness without... No. That's what I would have said. But the more I look at her the brighter she gets. That glow has come from a subtle glow to.. a radiant sun. I can see her from anywhere, I will never forget what she has taught me.
Point of this all is, over the time I spent in the darkness it caused great damage, I will never be totally fixed either.. but I never will be as broken as I was, time healed my scrapes and bruises, but it will never heal the deep grooves or the scars but when people ask what they're from, I say they are battle wounds. I was battling myself, but my glow put an end to the war. Zero fatalities, endless injuries, but injuries heal, time heals. I just need to keep the clock ticking.
