Why doesn't life come with a rewind button?

"Hey it will be okay. It isn't goodbye forever. Don't cry." 

I told myself this over and over in my head but what did I do? I cried. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks during almost the whole thing. The video, the speeches, the certificates being handed out. Did I cry the WHOLE time? No. I had to stop for a second to let myself wipe off the tears. Although I cried a lot tonight I keep asking myself, "when did you really break?" I now know. It when she took the stage. The glow. No. My glow.

"Hello," she said. BAM. Tears started. It didn't matter what she said. She didn't have to say much at all for me. She could have just  got up there and pronounced a list of profanities and I probably would have cried the same as I did tonight. It wasn't the beautiful speech she prepared, it was the look in her eyes as she faced us. She was crying on the inside before she even spoke one word. I was too. I knew this day meant it was almost over. She and I would go separate ways. Sure, "it isn't goodbye for us," but all I wanted to know was when could I say, "hello," to her again. Not only to her. To them all--but mostly her. I could feel it. My neighbors eyes bearing through my skin as they pondered over why I cried so hard. They tried to act like they didn't look. HA! That's like saying, "I didn't rob that bank," while holding a backpack full of money, wearing a ski mask, and climbing out of the back window of the recently robbed building. I cried at the thought of not having her to see and talk to every day, I cried in fear of losing that light.

I don't want my light to burn out.

Can we just go back like, press and rewind?

That light is the only thing that keeps me smiling every morning.

My light. She is my teacher, my role model, my motivation. She goes by Nicole Eakle but I like to call her my best friend.

Disappointment

Sometimes I wish I had something, just anything that kept my happy. I hate having to look in the mirror just to be disappointed with everything I see. All I see is someone who's ugly, worthless, stupid, her hair doesn't look right, her stomach is huge, her complexion makes her look like pizza face. All it does is hurt to look in the mirror. I can see both the physical and emotional scars there. All I see is damage and the things I find to w true. Even when I am told differently nothing can really make me believe those words and I just get so tired of hearing it and not believing it. I'm tired of seeing that tired girl but nothing will wake me up from this daze I am in, this dark scene is all I see. I find myself constantly being tired, both fatigued but tired of society and my life. I am not saying I would ever give up the life I have, I just want it to change. I just want to be happy for once, have fun for the first time in years. Sometimes I wish people could see that from me..

The darkness, The glow, and the ticking clock.

I don't know how exactly to describe how I'm doing right now, so don't ask.. Not that I expect you to.. Not many people do. Umm anyways... I don't know exactly how I feel. Pain? Not quite. Happiness? Not even close. Misery? Not quite, I would know. Confused? Maybe. I have been in the darkness for so long, I'm not sure what you would call this. Being in the darkness, I had come to only feel one thing. Pain. Whether it was inflicted independently or by others, pain was the only thing my brain was accustomed to.

In that darkness I had a glow, that glow kept me holding on. That glow pulled me out of the darkness, but being in there so long made that light unrecognizable to me. The smiling didn't feel right. The happiness was surreal to me. After being back for a while I am used to the grins.. but sometimes I don't understand if it is right to smile. It's like I've started all over. Like I am a child learning right from wrong again, I have to second guess whether I should be happy or not about something. I've gotten help but sometimes, "help" isn't what I need, I need a glow to make sure I don't slip back. I have one glow that hasn't left me, from the begging she's been there, but I didn't even realize she was there at first. I never once thought she'd be one of my best friends.. but she is, I don't know how I would make it without her. She's my light, my shoulder to cry on, she's.. my literacy teacher.

It hits me every time, the tears, when I realize this is my last year with her because.. I wont have that glow anymore. That bright light that keeps me moving forward in time. Yes, there are other people but they aren't MY light. Do they put off any light? Of course. But again, they aren't MY GLOW. I will slip back into the darkness without... No. That's what I would have said. But the more I look at her the brighter she gets. That glow has come from a subtle glow to.. a radiant sun. I can see her from anywhere, I will never forget what she has taught  me.

Point of this all is, over the time I spent in the darkness it caused great damage, I will never be totally fixed either.. but I never will be as broken as I was, time healed my scrapes and bruises, but it will never heal the deep grooves or the scars but when people ask what they're from, I say they are battle wounds. I was battling myself, but my glow put an end to the war. Zero fatalities, endless injuries, but injuries heal, time heals. I just need to keep the clock ticking.